I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
