he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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