Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
