Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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