Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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