She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
