dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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