the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
