i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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