just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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