i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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