Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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