So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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