I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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