clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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