an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
