Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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