I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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