we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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