im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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