If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
