So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
