I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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