Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
