I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
