Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
