I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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