I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
