you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
