I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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