my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
im six kinds of drunk right now
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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