The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
