I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
there is puke in my bra ... again
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