The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
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