i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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