Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
