1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I wish my penis had an off switch
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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