i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
