I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
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