I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
the night ended with taco bell and tears
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
