K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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