I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
They took my balls.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
