My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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