Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
