i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
