I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
