you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
