I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
