i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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