Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
