tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
