then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
