Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Life without a bra equals bliss.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
