I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
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