I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
